Hi, I’m Susie. I’m 40 years old, and this is my cancer story — the whole truth, not the tidy version.

When I was 38, my smear test came back abnormal. Then another one. Then another. After the third result, I got the phone call no one ever wants:
“We need you to come in… and bring someone with you.”

I knew in that moment.
But I still clung to denial because the alternative was too terrifying to face.

I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had a hysterectomy, they took everything they needed to take, and I started chemo. Then chemo was stopped, and I was told the cancer was gone. I convinced myself that chapter was over — that check-ups would be my new normal and I could breathe again.

But this year, at 40, the cancer came back.
And it came back harder.
It spread to my bowel, and suddenly I was thrown back into the world I thought I’d escaped.

At the same time, life outside the hospital wasn’t neat or pretty either. I’d been going through personal things I wasn’t proud of. I had recently come clean to someone I’d catfished — a friend I’d grown close to, someone I ended up falling for. He fell for the version of me I created, not the real me. When I told him the truth, he was angry and hurt, and I understood why. I had split with my boyfriend and let myself get emotionally tangled in a fantasy I never should have started.

I Had tried to commit suicide on the 1st November after taking 36 co-codamols , 16 paracetamol , 16 aspirin, 2 bottles on rose wine, 8 naproxen 2 Xanax I'd done it in my local park where 2 police officers found me and rung an ambulance i was put under a 24 hour safety hold, i was released under my mums care and im under the Crisis team, Talking Therapies my own personal therapist and stepping stones im getting better each day

It’s been weeks, and I’m still trying to understand why I did it, who I was then, and who I am now.

I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in karma. And for a long time, I convinced myself that everything happening , the pain, the diagnosis, the heartbreak — was some kind of punishment.
I don’t know if that’s true.
But I do know this: it’s my journey, and I’m done hiding pieces of myself.

So this blog is where I’m telling everything. The cancer. The mistakes. The heartbreak. The fear. The hope. The truth I haven’t said out loud.

Mum — you know most of this, but not all.
This is why I’m writing it here.
So that when you’re ready, and when I’m ready, you can read my story in my own words.

And to everyone else reading:
This is my life, messy and honest.
Strap in - I’m taking you with me.   FYI Names will be changed to protect friends and Family